Big shout-out to The Beatles today! February 7, 2014 marks the 50th anniversary of The Beatles landing in the USA to perform on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1964. From then on...Beatlemania!
They have created some of the most iconic music of all time, influenced well-embraced fashion trends, and even took multiple stances on important politics, making them a huge part of what American culture is today.
So, as everyone in the world probably knows (and might be sick hearing about), the 2012 Olympics have been going on for quite some time now and are finally drawing to a close. Many Americans earned medals, records were made and broken, dreams were achieved and crushed, and the Queen pretended to jump out of a helicopter with James Bond. The smell of awesome is in the air! And what better way for a lazy person like me to end the fun of these great Olympic Games than by photoshopping my face onto these hard working athletes? :]
"If you ain't first, you're last."
Many of the competitors in the 2012 games have been training in their field for years, sometimes even their entire lives. I get exhausted when my dog breathes too fast from moving so much. With that said, watching these men and women in top-notch condition move their bodies with so much power and achieve the unbelievable kind of makes me feel like an underachieving, lazy, fat person.
But at the same time, they make me say, "Geez, I wonder if I quit everything I'm doing and only dedicated myself to training for that onnnne thing, maybe even someone like ME could be in the 2016 Olympics!"
Ummm....yeah...no. Probably not.
"Ammmmmerica! Fuck Yeah!"
I think these people are so cool because they 100% give themselves to the love of their sport. They train day in, and day out, just for that chance to maybe someday achieve their dreams. I actually know two Olympians, [Demetrius Pinder (Track & Field for the Bahamas Note: Demetrius won the Gold medal for the Bahamas in the Men's 4X400m Final on Aug.10, 2012), and Amini Fonua (Swimming for Tonga)] and their life is tottttally different from the one I live. Demetrius trains for several hours a day, 6 days a week. I asked him what I could do about the impact my knees were taking from my own running. His answer? Run on grass. Simple! Do I do it? NO. I run on cement most of the time and eat cereal all damn day.
One time during a 10-minute break for our 3-hour writing class, Amini bought trail mix from the vending machine - and only ate the almonds. (He threw away the rest. I cringed at the sight of those yummy looking M&M's landing in the trash!) He always brought healthy snacks and water, while I ate gummy bears and Cheetos.
I bet those gloves make it hard to scratch an itchy nose.
Are these two kids really that much different from me? Well, no and yes. They're both very, very funny, and are really down to earth guys. So, no, not much different. But, they have such a mentality that allows them to push their bodies to their absolute best, and sacrifice (well, maybe for them exercise and being healthy isn't a "sacrifice" haha) a lot to maintain a high level of performance in the things they care so much about. So yes, very different, since I have to pretty much guilt myself into working out and usually quit when it's "good enough".
How sad is that?! Imagine if everyone stopped at "good enough":
- "Hmm, this surgeon didn't stitch up all the tissue around the heart....eh. Good enough."
- "These shorts don't cover my entire ass...but it's just Grandma's house. Good enough."
- "Well, two of our three kids aren't addicted to crack. Good enough."
See what I mean? If we can do better....then why don't we?
USA! USA! USA! Beef jerky time!
All I'm sayin' is, at the current moment, I'm way too lazy to be an Olympian. I'm too lazy to even date one. Hell, I'm too lazy to date a regular person. I'm even too lazy to even pretend I'm dating.
You know what, let's not talk about dating. That's easier.
I guess all this really leads up to is (once again...) how awesome these people are, from all over the world. Everyone's got an inner awesome. And apparently everyone's got a McDonald's, because it's been an Olympic sponsor for about 35 years, which I find SUPER ironic. It's like, "Hey, let's have the unhealthiest obese-inducing fast food joint in the entire fucking world sponsor the most prestigious worldwide athletic event held only every four years!"
Sheer brilliance!
Anyway, I think I've rambled enough about the Olympics and my inability to get off the couch. Go Team USA, and God Bless America! The most ass-kicking country in the world! ;)
...
P.S. - I was in London a little over a year ago. It was smashing! This pic is kind of pixelated for some weird reason, but it was taken inside the London Eye. You can see "Big Ben" in the background =) Not photoshopped!
Betty is my twin, my homegurl. The resemblance is uncanny!
It's not really a secret anymore, but I'm a little confused as to why TMZ hasn't called me yet for a story.
Yes, Betty White is my twin.
I know, I know. Some people don't see it, but CLEARLY they are Off Their Rockers. (By the way, have you seen that show?! It is HILARIOUS. I highly, highly recommend it! It's pretty much a show about older folks playing pranks on everyone. Like Punk'd, but with more scooters.)
Anyways, Betty White is 90 years old, and still up and kickin' ass in the entertainment industry. I love that. We're good friends - I call Betty up on my speed-dial-O-Meter (filed under "Hoodrat Mama") if I want a night out clubbing. She's 90, but she can show me up on that "stanky leg" every time Don't let that "Ohh, I'm old" deal fool you; that girl's got some game, too. Like, if we were pieces of a chess set, Betty White would be the queen, doing whatevvvver the hell she wants all the damn time to keep her king AND get yours; everyone else is the little pawn pieces that suck at everything.
But seriously, not only does Betty White love what she does, people all over really love her, too. She has been able to keep up with this remarkable career for several decades. It's pretty hardcore. In 2010, Facebookers even launched a campaign to have her host Saturday Night Live - and SNL producer Lorne Michaels agreed!
It was two of my favorite things put together: SNL and BETTY!
Bump dat stereo, guuuuurl
I'm pretty sure this episode is still up on Hulu.com if anyone is interested in seeing the lady in action.
What this all leads up to is my infinite love for, not only comedy, but women in comedy. It's fascinating, so much so, that I've written several of my college research papers about it (mostly Commedia dell'Arte in its historical beginnings/prime, but who's looking?). All my life, I've wanted to be like Molly Shannon, Ellen Degeneres, Lucille Ball, Kristen Wiig, Carol Burnett, Amy Poehler, the cast of Steel Magnolias/ The Golden Girls, and many, many others.
"Please God, forgive me for not telling Slater that I went to the bathroom in the pool tonight."
Isn't it refreshing to see funny women captivate the world? Women can joke on an entirely different level than men, too. Not to bang on the buck, but men can sometimes lean towards the overly sexual/offensive in their comedy bits to get a few cheap-shot chuckles in, but these ladies can command the laugh without even smudging their lipstick. They all deserve big, shiny trophies!
...Or, at the very, very least, pet monkeys trained to feed them grapes and open the mail.
Right now, I can only photoshop myself as/with funny hot mess babes like Betty White. But, someday, that funny hot mess babe could be me.
Okay, so as some may or may not know, I was completely, COMPLETELY obsessed with this season's Bachelorette on ABC. It was borderline sad. But I couldn't help myself! A sweet, single mom in search of her soul mate, with a pack of 25 men to try out on an amazing, romantic trip around the world?! Sign me up! (Ummm side note, if I were asked to be the Bachelorette, I'd already be debating which outfits I'd be taking before they even finished their offer.)
Anyway, all season long, I was rooting for this one guy, Jef Holm, to be the last man standing. And Emily Maynard, the bachelorette, seemed to think he was as amazing as I did, because SHE PICKED HIM! Yay! I haven't been this excited about something probably since I waited in line to watch the last Harry Potter movie. EEEK! Those two belong together. It makes me excited about love, especially unexpected love.
They found each other - and even though it was through a television show, the fact remains: they are in love. Soulmates. *siiiigh.* Beautiful stuff. Some people believe in it, others don't. Even though I am somewhat bitter on the surface from the past, there is nothing more wonderful than the thought of being loved by someone, unconditionally and with complete truth and kindness, sharing selflessly a life beyond the life we dream of. I think that keeps everyone searching past the ones who are no more than a pebble in our shoes. And not just that, the wish to love this person so unimaginably beyond what we ever thought we'd be capable of.
I'm very happy for them. Love stories never get old. :)
To all those searching for it, good luck in all your hearts call for! To all those who have found their purpose: Congratulations - you did not just encounter luck, but also, fate. <3
"
She was a one-legged prostitute. See? Ah, she had a good sense of humour though." -Jack
Some people don't like Titanic. I am among the percentage that does. No matter how long that movie is, it's always worth pausing to make the potty breaks. It's a great Romeo-Juliet story (Hmm...R for Rose/Romeo and J for Jack/Juliet?...looking too much into it, maybe?), with beautiful, BEAUTIFUL costuming, set design, and cinematography, to say the very least. Plus, Leo DiCaprio showed me what highlights can do for hair. To put it this way, if Titanic were a man, I'd want to make it pancakes.
Anyway, I was writing some stuff down in a spiral notebook the other night about something I have noticed about popular culture; we, the little Earthlings that gaze at the shiny stars - no, not of the sky, but the silver screen - are obsessed with wanting to be with these actors/fictional characters. I, too, am guilty of this. (You can see below that my celebrity obsession is Darren Criss, but I don't want to go on to a tangent until after I explain how Titanic is involved with this.)
Hot damn, Darren Criss, you FINE.
Let's be honest. Think of your top 5 celebrity crushes at the moment. Okay, now picture yourself at the grocery store. While waiting in line to pay for all those items that somehow snuck into your basket even though they weren't on your list of "eggs, bread, milk", you catch a glimpse of a magazine. Somewhere on the cover, BEHOLD! Your celebrity crush. You don't want to pick it up because gossip mags are for the desperate.
LIES.
You DO want to pick it up, because you want to see that rockin' beach body, and scan the pages, then put it back and not buy it, pretending not to care.
LIES.
We love them because we saw them in a movie. We love them because they sing that song like if it was for you. We love them because they are funny/cute/sexy/just broke up with that skank. For whatever reason it is, we are captivated by the idea of what it'd be like to be with them. 5 hours of stalking Google and Youtube later, we are hooked.
I call this "The Jack Dawson Phenomenon". The year was 1997: Leonardo DiCaprio comes on the screen, says a few words, sketches a naked picture of his love and then sacrifices his life for the same love, freezing to death in the icy waters as she floats on the big-enough-for-two door. Titanic sweeps the world. Suddenly, a million girls instantly decided that Leo/Jack is the image of perfection. Suddenly, Leo is thrown into a life of women (maybe men, too) passionately, obsessively worshiping him as their future husband/everything they'd want their probably less-beautiful husbands to be. ...Yeah. That's the "Jack Dawson Phenomenon".
Other men of this Jack Dawson heartthrob status (from observations): Ryan Gosling (The Notebook), Darren Criss (Glee), Robert Pattinson (Twilight), and Johnny Depp (Pirates), to name only a few.
Women have experienced this craze of love-struck followers, too. Just ask Kim Kardashian.
But really, who cares? What's wrong with a little crush? It's not like we're calling their personal cell phone asking what type of blue dinner napkins we should order for our destination wedding in Hawaii. But is it healthy? Who knows. Probably not; especially in America, where obesity is a big "fuck you" to healthy. (There should be more important things on our plate to worry about right now. Literally.)
Yes, I photoshopped this. Ahh. Our children would be ridiculously good-looking.
In the end, however, I suppose it's all alright. Let us be on the Titanic with Jack Dawson. Let us be romanced and teased and running around with a guy who claims to be king of the world. But also, let us be prepared for when that ship sinks. It isn't real; sure, we can enjoy it, we just can't let our life revolve around them, or compromise who we are because of who they are (example: "I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops." -Mean Girls).
...Still, if Darren Criss asked me to marry him under the condition that I train 100 squirrels to dance the cha-cha...I probably wouldn't say no. Those squirrels would put Dancing with the Stars to shame. I'd do this, happily, because the sad truth is:
I'm a victim of Jack Dawson.
Oh, what dreams may come! My beautiful life in Castiglion Fiorentino, Italy
I know lots of people, especially those close to my age, sometimes have trouble sleeping or falling asleep at night. Now me, I knock out as soon as that light's off. It's convenient, it really is. And because of my impressive sleep record, I have gotten many good nights of sleep that I feel have helped make me just a wee bit wiser than I was the day before. I wish I could help the people who can't seem to fall asleep, but maybe, (just maybe!) I can help make it easier to sleep at night for some if I shared some of the things I've learned from being asleep, dreaming, and being wide awake.
If you have a dream that sticks with you long after you wake up, pay attention to it. Your mind is unconsciously trying to help you realize something you'd never say aloud. Why not listen to yourself?
Your opinion counts just as much as the next guy's. It's not better, it's not worse, but it's yours.
Those with "haters": Let people talk all the shit they want. It's easy for them, since their head is so far up their own ass. Be good and just focus on you, and don't play their game. Like a wild dog, they'll get bored and move on.
Never, ever, EVER be rude to an old person, even if they're rude to you.
Listening to romantic music alone will make you feel somewhat needy. Be prepared to facebook stalk.
Ladies, take note of how your man treats his mom. This is a sign of how he'll treat you in 5 years.
Men, take note of when your lady is picking a fight. If she starts it, that means it's bothering her enough to throw it in your face rather than just talk about it. Three words: SHE WILL WIN.
Men, if you try to pick a fight with her....sorry. She'll probably still win. Be a good guy and don't fight for fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not know each other's birthdays, you don't know each other well enough to do the naughties. Just sayin'.
Take lots of pictures. Someday, even the blurry ones will become more important than you'll ever know.
Wash your hands. Less germs = better health. Better health = better sleep. All = better life.
If you have the potential to help someone, do. Someday, you might be the one that needs help, and perhaps even a stranger will be there to return the help you gave.
If you have an unbelievably strong desire to chase a dream, no matter how "silly" it may seem, you have every ability to make it happen. Work hard, be good to people, and keep going.
Don't blame failures on others, especially if they tried to help you.
The future is scary - not knowing is scary. ...Kind of like walking in the dark, afraid of running into a wall. I'm assuming it's okay to be scared, since running into walls hasn't been all that bad so far.
The most ignorant people are the same ones who talk too much.
Ellen Degeneres is the new pink.
You are as happy as you allow yourself to be.
Don't forget to tell those you love that you love them.
Love your family. Love your friends. Love yourself.
Love good hygiene - it's beneficial for everyone.
Never underestimate the power of a good laugh.
Trust your instincts. Whatever your first reaction is, it's probably the correct one to how you truly feel.
New saying: If you can't take the heat, don't fuel the fire. People got enough problems, and I'm sure you do, too. No sense in making things worse.
TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. They teach this shit in kindergarten. Don't think it doesn't apply to you.
Set goals. Work for them. Celebrate when you reach them. Rinse. Repeat.
Appreciate your life, no matter how bad it gets sometimes. Somewhere, another person has it worse.
Two things that shouldn't be brought up in conversation (especially with strangers): Religion and heavy politics. You never know who you might offend, or how offended you might get. (Credit to Big Fish.)
Family is SO much more important than your phone. Log off of twitter and pay attention to them.
Life is beautiful, sweet, ugly, bitter, demanding, rewarding, anything and everything.
At least one person in this world loves you more than you'll ever know (you might not even be aware of who it is, either). Believe this to be true.
These are the things I've learned from nights of good sleep. Take them, leave them, laugh, discard, whatever you feel is appropriate.
Once again, it's Photoshop Friday! And what better way to end the week than with my favorite Mean Girl, Gretchen Weiners. Her dad invented Toaster Strudel, so you better watch your back.
I like Gretchen. She puts up with a lot of crap just to fit in. I mean, her last name is "Weiners" - that's already an uphill battle. Man, if my last name was "Weiners", I'd make a huge joke out of it to draw attention from the fact that my last name is WEINERS. Like, if I had a boyfriend at the time, I'm sure all he'd hear from me is "Haha, you love WEINERS!"
....And that would begin my life as the lonely Cat Lady.
I worry about being a Cat Lady sometimes, mostly because I'm allergic to cats. Doomed from the beginning!
So, change of subject.
If you were to Google this original photo, (if it already isn't really really obvious) it might become even clearer how much more tanned Gretchen Weiners is compared to the other girls. It reminds me of a funny story (well, it's funny now, but at the time it was kind of weird) that happened to me earlier this week. Okay, so I've been going to my university's career center at least once a week since this semester started with like, three different internship documents I've been building/editing since January. Usually, it only takes the workers about 15 minutes to look through my stuff, then tell me what needs improvement, and then sweetly kick me out. But this time, I had this awesome, AWESOME editor named Paul, who helped me for about and hour and a half. Paul was an older man who sure knew his stuff, and I was really happy he offered to help me.
Anyway, we get down to the part of my resume that lists "Skills and Languages", where I have listed I have intermediate proficiency in Spanish - nothing crazy, just listed there. Paul took one good look at it and said to me, "Okay now, let me ask you something. Are you a citizen?"
I didn't know whether to laugh or to grab my things and leave.
I decided to do neither, and just answer the question.
"Ummm... Yes, I'm a citizen."
Paul adjusted his glasses, then went on. "Okay, great. You know, you should list this skill under your education, and put with that your excellent English ability. Employers always wanna make sure they're hiring American citizens, so it'd be good to put up there "American Citizen", you know, just so they know they won't be having any trouble with Visas and things like that."
Woooooow.
Needless to say, I was a little rattled by the conversation, but kept it going until everything was done, and Paul is still the most helpful person who's looked over my stuff, and I wouldn't mind going back to him. Just fyi.
It's just weird to me, that's all; even though my ancestors have been living in Texas for generations and generations (probably longer than a lot of other lighter-skinned folks here), my appearance gives the impression that I'm "not from here". I'm pretty sure someone with a last name like "Smith" or a complexion like Regina George would never have this issue. But it brought up a good point:
Reality.
After talking about what happened with my parents (who couldn't STOP laughing, by the way - they thought it was sooooo hilarious that this actually happened) and some friends, I now see the humor in it. Can you imagine walking up to random people and just saying "So.....you from here? If you are, you should put it on your resume. Looks REAL good on a resume that you're from here." Just picture doing it! Haha!
Truth is, I'd rather look overly tanned like Gretchen Weiners and have my American roots questioned than look like Karen Smith ANY day. It gives me pretty good stories, and those enough are worth the identity crisis. (Italian/Middle-Eastern apple vendor in Rome who tried to flirt and insist I was from "his country"...that includes you!)
So in simple closing, Gretchen Weiners > Lindsay Lohan. Like I said, I like Gretchen. She puts up with a lot of crap just to fit in. I feel ya, Gretch. You alright.
...Except your last name. "Weiners" is dumb.
(Just for fun, here's the "None for Gretchen Weiners" scene. Enjoy!)
