The Things I've Learned from Nights of Good Sleep

Oh, what dreams may come! My beautiful life in Castiglion Fiorentino, Italy

I know lots of people, especially those close to my age, sometimes have trouble sleeping or falling asleep at night.  Now me, I knock out as soon as that light's off.  It's convenient, it really is.  And because of my impressive sleep record, I have gotten many good nights of sleep that I feel have helped make me just a wee bit wiser than I was the day before.  I wish I could help the people who can't seem to fall asleep, but maybe, (just maybe!) I can help make it easier to sleep at night for some if I shared some of the things I've learned from being asleep, dreaming, and being wide awake.

• If you have a dream that sticks with you long after you wake up, pay attention to it. Your mind is unconsciously trying to help you realize something you'd never say aloud.  Why not listen to yourself? 
• Your opinion counts just as much as the next guy's. It's not better, it's not worse, but it's yours.
• Those with "haters": Let people talk all the shit they want.  It's easy for them, since their head is so far up their own ass.  Be good and just focus on you, and don't play their game. Like a wild dog, they'll get bored and move on.
• Never, ever, EVER be rude to an old person, even if they're rude to you.
• Listening to romantic music alone will make you feel somewhat needy. Be prepared to facebook stalk.
• Ladies, take note of how your man treats his mom. This is a sign of how he'll treat you in 5 years.
• Men, take note of when your lady is picking a fight. If she starts it, that means it's bothering her enough to throw it in your face rather than just talk about it. Three words: SHE WILL WIN.
• Men, if you try to pick a fight with her....sorry.  She'll probably still win. Be a good guy and don't fight for fun.
• Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not know each other's birthdays, you don't know each other well enough to do the naughties. Just sayin'.
• Take lots of pictures. Someday, even the blurry ones will become more important than you'll ever know.
• Wash your hands. Less germs = better health. Better health = better sleep. All = better life.
• If you have the potential to help someone, do. Someday, you might be the one that needs help, and perhaps even a stranger will be there to return the help you gave.
• If you have an unbelievably strong desire to chase a dream, no matter how "silly" it may seem, you have every ability to make it happen. Work hard, be good to people, and keep going.
• Don't blame failures on others, especially if they tried to help you.
• The future is scary - not knowing is scary. ...Kind of like walking in the dark, afraid of running into a wall. I'm assuming it's okay to be scared, since running into walls hasn't been all that bad so far.
• The most ignorant people are the same ones who talk too much.
• Ellen Degeneres is the new pink.
• You are as happy as you allow yourself to be.
• Don't forget to tell those you love that you love them.
• Love your family. Love your friends. Love yourself.
• Love good hygiene - it's beneficial for everyone.
• Never underestimate the power of a good laugh.
• Trust your instincts. Whatever your first reaction is, it's probably the correct one to how you truly feel.
• New saying: If you can't take the heat, don't fuel the fire. People got enough problems, and I'm sure you do, too.  No sense in making things worse.
• TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. They teach this shit in kindergarten.  Don't think it doesn't apply to you.
• Set goals. Work for them. Celebrate when you reach them. Rinse. Repeat.
• Appreciate your life, no matter how bad it gets sometimes. Somewhere, another person has it worse.
• Two things that shouldn't be brought up in conversation (especially with strangers): Religion and heavy politics. You never know who you might offend, or how offended you might get. (Credit to Big Fish.)
• Family is SO much more important than your phone. Log off of twitter and pay attention to them.
• Life is beautiful, sweet, ugly, bitter, demanding, rewarding, anything and everything. 
• At least one person in this world loves you more than you'll ever know (you might not even be aware of who it is, either).  Believe this to be true.

These are the things I've learned from nights of good sleep.  Take them, leave them, laugh, discard, whatever you feel is appropriate. 

Photoshop Friday Presents: ... And none for Gretchen Weiners.

...we should all just STAB CAESAR!

Once again, it's Photoshop Friday! And what better way to end the week than with my favorite Mean Girl, Gretchen Weiners.  Her dad invented Toaster Strudel, so you better watch your back.

I like Gretchen.  She puts up with a lot of crap just to fit in.  I mean, her last name is "Weiners" - that's already an uphill battle.  Man, if my last name was "Weiners", I'd make a huge joke out of it to draw attention from the fact that my last name is WEINERS.  Like, if I had a boyfriend at the time, I'm sure all he'd hear from me is "Haha, you love WEINERS!"
....And that would begin my life as the lonely Cat Lady.

I worry about being a Cat Lady sometimes, mostly because I'm allergic to cats.  Doomed from the beginning!

So, change of subject.

If you were to Google this original photo, (if it already isn't really really obvious) it might become even clearer how much more tanned Gretchen Weiners is compared to the other girls. It reminds me of a funny story (well, it's funny now, but at the time it was kind of weird) that happened to me earlier this week.  Okay, so I've been going to my university's career center at least once a week since this semester started with like, three different internship documents I've been building/editing since January.  Usually, it only takes the workers about 15 minutes to look through my stuff, then tell me what needs improvement, and then sweetly kick me out.  But this time, I had this awesome, AWESOME editor named Paul, who helped me for about and hour and a half.  Paul was an older man who sure knew his stuff, and I was really happy he offered to help me.

Anyway, we get down to the part of my resume that lists "Skills and Languages", where I have listed I have intermediate proficiency in Spanish - nothing crazy, just listed there.  Paul took one good look at it and said to me, "Okay now, let me ask you something.  Are you a citizen?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or to grab my things and leave.

I decided to do neither, and just answer the question.

"Ummm... Yes, I'm a citizen."

Paul adjusted his glasses, then went on.  "Okay, great. You know, you should list this skill under your education, and put with that your excellent English ability.  Employers always wanna make sure they're hiring American citizens, so it'd be good to put up there "American Citizen", you know, just so they know they won't be having any trouble with Visas and things like that."

Woooooow.

Needless to say, I was a little rattled by the conversation, but kept it going until everything was done, and Paul is still the most helpful person who's looked over my stuff, and I wouldn't mind going back to him. Just fyi.

It's just weird to me, that's all; even though my ancestors have been living in Texas for generations and generations (probably longer than a lot of other lighter-skinned folks here), my appearance gives the impression that I'm "not from here".  I'm pretty sure someone with a last name like "Smith" or a complexion like Regina George would never have this issue.  But it brought up a good point:
Reality.

After talking about what happened with my parents (who couldn't STOP laughing, by the way - they thought it was sooooo hilarious that this actually happened) and some friends, I now see the humor in it.  Can you imagine walking up to random people and just saying "So.....you from here? If you are, you should put it on your resume. Looks REAL good on a resume that you're from here."  Just picture doing it! Haha!

Truth is, I'd rather look overly tanned like Gretchen Weiners and have my American roots questioned than look like Karen Smith ANY day.  It gives me pretty good stories, and those enough are worth the identity crisis. (Italian/Middle-Eastern apple vendor in Rome who tried to flirt and insist I was from "his country"...that includes you!)

So in simple closing, Gretchen Weiners > Lindsay Lohan.  Like I said, I like Gretchen.  She puts up with a lot of crap just to fit in.  I feel ya, Gretch.  You alright.

...Except your last name.  "Weiners" is dumb.



(Just for fun, here's the "None for Gretchen Weiners" scene. Enjoy!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZeT31z1-W0&feature=related

Photoshop Friday Presents: Segel the Sweetheart

Jason Segel and "Me"

So, How I Met Your Mother star Jason Segel is one of my big celebrity crushes, as most of you in fact don't know.  If you've ever seen the show, you know of Jason's character, "Marshall Eriksen", and know that he is a giant puppy of love.  Ladies, this is the kind of man we want (or, I do at least).  Gentlemen (and all you other kids who think you got something called "swagger"...not to be confused with syphilis, you active goons, you), this is the kind of man you should want to be to please your lady.  Just sayin'.  This guy has got all the right moves.  ...Unless it's dance moves, then I'm not sure.
Anyway, not only is he irresistibly endearing, he's funny, sweet and comfortable enough in his own skin to flash his disco stick to the millions and millions of people around the world who've ever seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall (...this includes my mom AND dad.  I was in the room with them, watching it. I was the only one laughing. Then they started laughing.  ...I stopped laughing.).  And pretty much all-around, he seems like a good guy.
He's an awesome example of a winner in my book. Reasons why:
1.) His pants aren't sagging to the floor. That's a good sign. He knows what size pants to buy.
2.) He SMILES. Too many times I've seen a guy's license with a pic that looks like he's going to prison.
3.) He looks like he's got good hygiene. Look, it benefits everyone so just go with it and enjoy, mmkay?
4.) He's almost never in the tabloids. That's a good sign he's not a crazed attention hog. I want the attention!
5.) Tall people go well with short people. He's 6'4". I'm 5'2". (Plus: Never getting mugged, EVER.)
6.) He does comedy. COMEDY. What's not to love about someone who can laugh with you?
7.) Sings. Plays the piano. That's a class act right there. Enough said.

8.) I appreciate a man with the facial scruff look, and the no-facial-scruff look. 

9.) The Muppets are a big deal for him. It's sweet to keep a childhood love alive.
10.) And finally, he seems to treat his women right. He doesn't date everyone and anyone that flings themselves at him, nor does he take for granted the women he has in his life.  Well done, sir.  I'm positive your mother is very proud.
(Ooh that's another good one - treats his mother with respect. That's a REAL man, right there. If you ever want to see how a man will treat you in five years, watch how he treats his mom. That'll tell you everything you want to know.)

Long story short, Segel should make Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts share their grand title of "America's Sweetheart", because in my opinion, Segel's a prime example of a lovable, quality person.

And personally, I'd date the shit outta him. I only hope that he is not an emotional eater like "Marshall" on the show, because being the emotional eater is MY job.

That is all.

Photoshop Friday Presents: A Christmas Story, Plus Bunny-Suit

A Christmas Story, Plus Bunny-Suit

In the spirit of the holidays, my "Photoshop Friday" honors a classic Christmas movie I can never get enough of...even when it plays for a full 24 hours Christmas Eve: A Christmas Story! One of my favorite scenes is the one that introduces the infamous pink bunny-suit that Ralphie gets as a gift, after he had high hopes it was the Red Ryder BB gun that he had been wishing for.  But alas, 'twas not.
Sad face.

But I would LOVE pink jammies like Ralphie has! Although there are still things I want for Christmas, unlike Ralphie, I've developed a clear understanding that it isn't about the new stuff that's out there...like some fresh off-the-truck iShoe that will let me outrun a savage moose on a bloodthirsty quest for my outfit, or a bedazzled can opener that will eventually teach me to speak fluent Portuguese. I can't justify a lot of the material things - do I really need them?

The answer my friends is...maybe.

No, not really.

....But I'm pretty sure a pet monkey is more of an investment, and would definitely pay for itself after the first year.  But let's not get into that bucket.

Anyway, back to the main point. After being away for some time from my family and friends, nothing beats coming home for the holidays (or any time, for that matter). I don't need things. I need them (my family).  Ralphie had his family, and what would his life had been like if he didn't have the Dad with the weird sexy leg-lamp thing (that secretly makes me want fishnet stockings, by the way), or the Mom who wrapped the little brother in so many coat layers that he couldn't put his arms down?! SAD, my friends. That's what it would've been. SAD!

Yep. I'm serious. I don't even make Christmas lists anymore, for about two or three years now. There's just nothing I can really think of off the top of my  head that I would want that someone could find on Craigslist from some creepy guy who wants to meet you in the alley of a run-down Wienerschnitzel.  I don't have the expectations of presents; that's not what Christmas is to me now that I'm a little bit older.  If someone is thoughtful and wants to give me a present from the bottom of their heart, sweet! If not, no worries - I know it sounds cheesy and you can claim I'm full of eggnog, but it's the little things that matter to me in life, like sitting outside with blankets and watching Christmas lights blink, or trying and failing at making good hot chocolate...but drinking it anyway and hope everyone is still alive the next day.   

To put it simply, I'm at a sweet point in my life where presents aren't so important, despite the highly commercialized society that surrounds us.  I've already got what I want for Christmas.  So to me, wearing a pink bunny-suit instead of opening up a Bratz doll is cool from all sides.

Besides...it looks like a Snuggie, so it's probably hella warm.
 I'm totally on board with that.

Happy Holidays! :) 

Photoshop Friday Presents: Not a Victoria's Secret Angel? That's OK. Cute Undies Never Hurt Anyone.

In honor of the 2011 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, I decided that if I couldn't beat 'em...I should join 'em! ;) I used to be so JEALOUS of these perfect women...tall, thin, beautiful, rich, and fierce.  But now that I'm older, I realize they didn't get where they are by accident. They work their tiny little thong-riding asses off to look the way they do, and probably don't scoff down gummy bears like me on any given week.  These girls deserve major props for keeping up with that.  I'm pretty sure all of America can learn a thing or two from them about personal dedication.  You can't just wish to look good and expect it to happen rolling out of bed - you gotta work for it. Sure, I complain every now and then and secretly hate myself at times when I see a girl who looks like she just walked off the runway, saying "Ohhh, I WISH  I looked like them!" yet, I'm not there when they're saying "No" to that yummy-looking Sex-On-The-Beach drink and I'm not there when they spend their Saturday afternoons doing hundreds of crunches, sweating up the Amazon River.  Instead, I'm at home, napping. Or watching Modern Family.
Some people think these women set unrealistic expectations for what a woman is supposed to look like.  I both agree and disagree.  But, it's our own damn fault.  We like to preach "Oh, you're perfect the way you are", yet when we see someone who it can be agreed on is beautiful, suddenly it's a witch hunt and they must have some kind of disorder for being so near-perfect.  Make up your minds, please.
Sure, who wouldn't want to look like a healthy model? Everyone.  Who wants to put in the work-out time and have a strict diet? Nobody.
I rest my case.
If you wanna look like a model, then work out like one. If you're happy where you are, EXCELLENT! :) If you're like me and somewhere in the middle...let's just not mumble profanities under our breath at those who got there sooner.
Remember: There's more then one kind of Angel you can be :) Start being nice to people. Work for what you want. Don't hate others that have what you don't. Good will come your way! Just smile, be fierce, and always remember to strut that stuff, no matter what you look like in those lacy animal-print boy-shorts. ;)

Photoshop Friday Presents: Pirates and Yoga Both Make Me Need a Shower

Photoshop Friday Presents: Pirates and Yoga Both Make Me Need a Shower

So, I've been trying to integrate yoga in my lifestyle (you know, like rich people do on T.V.), in 30-minute workout segments, and try to get this whole "calm down" deal going after long days at school.  But, yesterday was the first time I actually completed an ENTIRE hour of it.  

OH. SWEET. SWASHBUCKLER. 

I think rich people just love to do painful things to their bodies that are supposed to feel good - you know, like cocaine.  In case you didn't know this, I'm a sweater; not like a pink, fuzzy, "ooh this is cashmere!" sweater, but like, a sweat-er, and it is gross (I'm forever jealous of Barbra Walters because she never sweats, ever, but that's just a little factoid about her/me and completely beside the point).  So, after I unraveled myself from what was probably NOT supposed to be a pretzel-thing, I took a shower. 

Once I got out, I decided to work on my "Photoshop Friday" pic of "me" with Johnny Depp, aka Capt. Jack Sparrow, and realized how sexy pirates are.

Then, I needed another shower.

I know this probably goes around a lot, but it does so for a reason: Johnny Depp is one of the hottest actors in the history of ...EVER. I don't know if anyone's ever seen him do interviews, but he's completely different as himself than his is when he's on the screen, and I find that so compelling.  It's the charm, dear!  Shy in real life, but totally crazy as someone else.  He get soooo into character, I love it, and even relate to it a bit.  Johnny Depp/Jack Sparrow definitely changed my outlook on pirates.  What is it exactly about pirates that make them so damn sexy? (You know, except for missing teeth. I can handle the dreadlocks and the drunkenness, but poor hygiene? No thank you.) It wasn't always like this, was it?  I mean, one minute I'm debating if Mister Smee from Peter Pan is Santa's long-lost, unloved, and disowned half-brother, and the next I'm wondering if Jack Sparrow's gold  tooth can be made into a ring Kim Kardashian would hate me for. I'd run away with him quicker than the dish ran away with the spoon. Savvy??

All in all, the verdict stands: Pirates are hot ("Bad Boy" complex, perhaps?), and Yoga is hella hard. No wonder rich people are always complaining.

Ciao. Swash-Buckle-Swagger.

[P.S. - I actually do like yoga. Like, fo'realz. If you get a chance, try it! Staying still is one of the hardest things you can teach yourself to do - mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's challenging, fun, and is probably much cheaper than cocaine. Feel good and try yoga! *End of sales pitch*]

First Entry Ever! Meaning of Life, Tackled!

Hello! To anyone out there reading this, welcome to my blog.  This is the first blog entry I've ever....well, published, and I'm very much looking forward to getting started on what's sure to be good fun! Oh! and be prepared for "Photoshop Fridays", when I Photoshop my face onto/next to a celebrity's - what a hoot! :)

First order of business: What is the meaning of life?
...Just kidding. I don't have an answer to that, so let's move on shall we?

Well, actually, I do have a little opinion on what "the meaning" of life is.  I'm not sure if that's what we should be paying attention to.  Instead of focusing on what life "means"and trying to find one central answer, maybe it'd be beneficial to look into what we value in life.  What we value is what life means to us.  We already have the answers: Money, Drugs, and Johnny Depp.

Ah! Just kidding (...again...). Of course, it's family, love, and most often religion and friends, among other things. I know this might be pretty lame for a first blog entry, but it's the truth - and it's the first thing that came to mind.   Value what makes you smile, what makes you truly appreciate what you have (even if it's next to nothing), and you'll find meaning in life.  That doesn't necessarily mean it will give you answers to other life-long, unknown questions like "Why are we here?" or "What is going to happen in my life?", but it's a nice place to start.  Let's not get crazy now. Those other questions can wait until you're 90 and have seen every Mister Rogers' Neighborhood episode ever made (Hey, Mr. Rogers knew what's up! Annnnd how people make fortune cookies. I'm not kidding. It's online: http://pbskids.org/rogers/videos/index.html )

In summary:
1.) First Blog Entry - submit your ideas! I'll pick a few interesting ones, and put in my two cent's worth. Keep submitting, and I'll keep posting.
2.) Don't forget to look out for "Photoshop Fridays"! You'll probably laugh. Laughing's good for you, so have a look-see!
3.) "The Meaning of Life " really comes down to what you value in your life.  There isn't just one answer; it can be multiple-choice, free-response, and even true/false if you're determined it's a test.  (I personally dislike true/false...the indecisiveness kicks in, and suddenly that 50/50 chance isn't so appealing.)
4.) Mister Rogers knows what's up.

Anyway, thanks for reading! Ciao!

-Erica Elephant